


KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS

by CidGregor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-10
Updated: 2011-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-20 07:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CidGregor/pseuds/CidGregor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat finds himself fascinated by a certain portion of Nepeta's anatomy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KARKAT: FONDLY REGARD DAT ASS

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt at homesmut, the Homestuck kink meme on LiveJournal. Enjoy.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CG: HEY  
CG: HEMO-FACIST  
CG: WE NEED TO TALK   
CT: D --> There is no need to be rude  
CT: D --> I see no reason why we cannot have at least the il100sion of politeness   
CG: SO DON’T GIVE A SHIT   
CT: D --> Then perhaps I am not feeling particularly interested  
CT: D --> In communicating with a lowb100d   
CG: FUCKING GODDAMNIT  
CG: FINE  
CG: HELLO THERE, EQUIUS, WHAT A NICE FUCKING DAY WE’RE HAVING HERE   
CT: D --> That is an improvement  
CT: D --> Although the e%clusion of e%pletives would be even more preferable   
CG: MOVING THE FUCK ON  
CG: BEFORE YOU GIVE ME A SECOND BRAIN CRAMP TO GO WITH THE ONE I ALREADY HAVE  
CG: YOU NEED TO REIN IN NEPETA  
CG: PREFERABLY IMMEDIATELY   
CT: D --> Why  
CT: D --> Has she been doing something  
CT: D --> 100d   
CG: YES  
CG: VERY FUCKING LEWD AND IT’S MAKING ME WANT TO VOMIT  
CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT WASN’T ALREADY MAKING ME  
CG: WELL NEVER MIND THAT PART   
CT: D --> I am afraid I do not understand  
CT: D --> You find it 100d and at the same time not  
CT: D --> Is that about the e%tent of what you are saying   
CG: UGH  
CG: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I COULDN’T GET THIS SHIT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL WITHOUT FUCKING DIAGRAMS  
CG: LOOK YOU KNOW HOW NEPETA HAS BEEN DOING A LOT OF  
CG: LET’S SAY, ‘PROWLING,’ LATELY?   
CT: D --> She is not used to being in a confined space for such an e%tended period of time  
CT: D --> She is simply working out her e%cess energy  
CT: D --> I see no problem with this   
CG: BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HER AT IT?  
CG: I MEAN ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY WATCHED HER DOING IT?   
CT: D --> Yes, a couple of times  
CT: D --> I still do not see what you want me to be 100king at   
CG: IT’S THAT THING SHE DOES  
CG: WHEN SHE SEES SOME INANE PIECE OF JUNK TO POUNCE AT  
CG: CROUCHING DOWN ON ALL FOURS  
CG: EXCEPT LIKE  
CG: ONLY HER FRONT HALF GOES DOWN   
CT: D --> Er  
CT: D --> What   
CG: AND THE REST OF HER IS STICKING UP  
CG: WAY TOO FUCKING HIGH  
CG: WAGGING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A FUCKING OFFERING  
CG: AND I’M HAVING TO TRY WAY TOO GODDAMN HARD NOT TO TAKE HER UP ON IT  
CG: IT’S FUCKING HAUNTING MY BRAIN   
CT: D --> This is  
CT: D --> Slightly disturbing me  
CT: D --> E%cuse me while I towel off   
CG: I REALLY DON’T FUCKING WANT TO HEAR ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING THAT MAKES YOU NEED A GODDAMNED TOWEL, FUCKING CHRIST  
CG: LOOK, I JUST CAN'T STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT AND IT’S MAKING ME SICK   
CT: D --> Just so I am 100% clear  
CT: D --> Are you  
CT: D --> Are you referring to her e%quisitely shaped  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> If you would allow me to be 100d for a moment  
CT: D --> Are you referring to  
CT: D --> What was that human phrase  
CT: D --> ‘Dat ass’   
CG: YES I AM FUCKING REFERRING TO "THAT ASS" YOU MORON, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I BE REFERRING TO  
CG: STUPID SEXY CATGIRL   
CT: D --> I would greatly prefer you not speak of Nepeta in that manner   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY  
CG: ARE YOU SAYING YOU FUCKING WANT HER AND HER BUBBLE BUTT?   
CT: D --> Of course not  
CT: D --> We are moirails  
CT: D --> That would just be  
CT: D --> Perverse   
CG: UH-HUH  
CG: THAT’S WHY YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT   
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> I will admit that it is  
CT: D --> Difficult  
CT: D --> To not notice such a delightfully rounded hindquarters  
CT: D --> When it is so often and freely e%hibited   
CG: SEE THAT’S THE SHIT I’M FUCKING TALK ABOUT SHE’S STICKING THAT THING OUT FUCKING EVERYWHERE   
CT: D --> But that does not mean I am in any way desiring to partake in what she is  
CT: D --> E%hibiting   
CG: SURE YOU’RE NOT  
CG: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?  
CG: IF I SEE HER ONE MORE TIME  
CG: WITH HER FUCKING GIANT ASS BENT OVER AND JUST  
CG: KIND OF JUTTING OUT A LITTLE  
CG: I’M GOING TO FUCKING FLY OFF THE HANDLE  
CG: AND SHE’LL WONDER ALL OF A SUDDEN WHY HER BIG FAT ASS HURTS   
CT: D --> Please don’t  
CT: D --> I have no intention of allowing anyone to defile her  
CT: D --> I would not want to have to hurt you   
CG: CHEAP THREAT, YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING WUSS TO DO JACK SHIT   
CT: D --> Must you always be so vulgar  
CT: D --> Also it is actually in no way ‘fat’  
CT: D --> Nepeta is at the height of physical fitness  
CT: D --> However prominent that area may be it is because of her e%ceptional strength  
CT: D --> I would appro%imate that 95% of the body mass of her hindquarters is muscle  
CT: D --> Taught, STRONG muscle   
CG: OH MY GOD FOR THE LOVE OF FLAMING FUCKING SHITBALLS SHUT UP  
CG: SHE’S GOT A TIGHT ASS, THANKS, GOT IT, YOU CAN STOP BEING FUCKING CREEPY NOW   
CT: D --> Uh  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> I believe that is a succinct summary of my statements  
CT: D --> However crude  
CT: D --> Uh  
CT: D --> I seem to have forgotten what the original point was   
CG: I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS SHIT?   
CT: D --> Oh yes  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> What e%actly do you want me to do about it  
CT: D --> Tell her to repress her natural instin% because they have the side effect of making you uncomfortable   
CG: YOU REFER TO ME BY NAME AND I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH  
CG: JUST MAKE HER FUCKING AWARE OF THE FACT THAT SHE’S SHOWING OFF HER FRUSTRATINGLY FINE REAR END TO EVERYONE IN HER VICINITY AND SHE NEEDS TO FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE SOMEONE WITH LESS SELF CONTROL GETS THE WRONG FUCKING IDEA   
CT: D --> I think you are overestimating how much she will care what I have to say  
CT: D --> She has a bad habit of being corrupted by the 100d behaviors of lowb100ds  
CT: D --> And she is not especially shy about her body  
CT: D --> If she were aware of the effects her display of her rear end was having  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> She would probably find it to be both amusing  
CT: D --> And an incentive to e%ploit it for all it is worth   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING SAYING IF YOU POINT IT OUT TO HER SHE’LL JUST INTENTIONALLY SHOW HER ASS OFF EVEN MORE   
CT: D --> Possibly  
CT: D --> Er  
CT: D --> We should perhaps cease this line of conversation now   
CG: JESUS FUCK  
CG: AND THE FRUSTRATING FUCKING THING IS THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A HALF BAD IDEA   
CT: D --> You are drifting into uncouth territory again  
CT: D --> You will stop now   
CG: FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT HER GODDAMN LUSUS  
CG: IF SHE WANTS TO PRESENT HER FINE FUCKING ASS TO ME   
CT: D --> Stop   
CG: AND I DECIDE TO GRAB LIFE BY HER BUTTCHEEKS AND GO TO TOWN  
CG: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS   
CT: D --> Karkat  
CT: D --> Stop talking   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO STOP ME  
CG: SEE NOW I FUCKING WANT TO DO IT JUST TO PISS YOU OFF  
CG: EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND WHILE I GO AND ADMIRE SOME GODDAMN FINE ASS   
CT: D --> Karkat she is here   
CG: WHAT   
CT: D --> She crept in a moment ago without my noticing  
CT: D --> She can see everything you are typing  
CT: D --> I am sorry I tried to warn you discreetly   
CG: OH GOD  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD   
CT: D --> I told you we should cease thigerg;zdfokljh   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK   
CT: ASLFDKsdhwwhgcqehGASGg2v5q43   
CG: OH FUCK  
CG: PLEASE NO

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] has changed their trollhandle to arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

AC: :33 < *suddenly the crafty pouncellor aC deftly comand33rs the grouchy musclebeasts compurrter!*   
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT   
AC: :33 < *aC winds herself around the also grouchy karkittys legs and grins mischievously up at him*   
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU OUTMUSCLE THAT FUCKING HULK   
AC: :33 < *aC is fast and sneaky! She escaped to the top of a bookshelf where cT cant reach her so she can focus on more impurrtant things!*  
AC: :33 < *aC k33ps grinning*  
AC: :33 < sooooo  
AC: :33 < *she says*  
AC: :33 < you were saying something about admiring my heinie?   
CG: OKAY, FUCK  
CG: I’M SORRY, ALRIGHT?  
CG: PLEASE DON’T MAKE A THING OUT OF THIS   
AC: :33 < mrr? Why would cG be sorry?  
AC: :33 < *aC is actually r33lly flattered! She didn’t know cG was so furscinated by her badonkadonk!*   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A BADONKADONK   
AC: :33 < h33h33h33, its a human word for butt!  
AC: :33 < dave taught it to me!  
AC: :33 < he taught me lots of them  
AC: :33 < gluteus maximus  
AC: :33 < junk in the trunk  
AC: :33 < booty  
AC: :33 < h33h33h33 booty  
AC: :33 < that is my favorite one!   
CG: UGH WHY IS EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE  
CG: NEVER SAY ANY OF THOSE WORDS AGAIN EVER  
CG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER   
AC: :33 < nyaaaaaoooo, hey, quit changing the subject!   
CG: THERE IS NO SUBJECT  
CG: THERE IS NO CONVERSATION  
CG: WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR ASS  
CG: END OF STORY   
AC: :33 < h33h33h33!  
AC: :33 < *aC knew cG would say something like that!*  
AC: :33 < *but its okay because she knows the truth :33*  
AC: :33 < *aC wiggles her appurrently spectacular rear at karkitty*   
CG: JESUS FUCK STOP THAT   
AC: :33 < *aC scoots closer with her tail raised up nice and high so cG can get a r33lly good look*   
CG: KNOCK IT OFF  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING HUGE ASS   
AC: :33 < are you suuuuuuure?   
CG: VERY FUCKING SURE   
AC: :33 < sooooo you wouldn’t want this even a little bit?   
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent carcinoCeneticist [CG] the file presentforkarkitty.jpg --   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF VIRUS DID YOU JUST SEND ME  
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT  
CG: HOLY FUCK  
CG: THAT’S  
CG: IS THAT YOUR   
AC: :33 < pawssibly!   
CG: HOLY SHIT  
CG: GODDAMN THAT IS A LOT OF NAKED ASS  
CG: JESUS DID YOU JUST FUCKING TAKE THIS?   
AC: :33 < maaaaayb3333!  
AC: :33 < 3333p, equius is screaming at me to pull my pants up and he’s sweating a ton  
AC: :33 < h33h33h33, i think ive pushed his buttons long enough, i better give him back his compurrter  
AC: :33 < *aC hopes karkitty enjoys his present and will purrhaps come looking for more later!*   
CG: MORE  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN MORE   
AC: :33 < h33h33h33  
AC: :33 < bye karkitty!  
AC: :33 < *aC vanishes in a flash of fur and whiskers!*

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] has changed their trollhandle to centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CT: D --> You will delete that photograph immediately  
CT: D --> Karkat are you listening to me  
CT: D --> I e%pressly forbade her from performing such a 100d act on my watch  
CT: D --> All traces of it must be eliminated  
CT: D --> Karkat  
CT: D --> Darn it  
CT: D --> Where are my towels   
CG: JESUS   
CT: D --> Did you hear me   
CG: YEAH I FUCKING HEARD YOU   
CT: D --> Then you will delete the image   
CG: NO, I DON’T THINK I WILL   
CT: D --> What   
CG: WHAT KIND OF FUCKING FRIEND WOULD I BE TO CHUCK A GIFT IN THE TRASH  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING RUDE, DON’T YOU THINK   
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> That is not  
CT: D --> She  
CT: D --> That does not count   
CG: SURE IT FUCKING DOES  
CG: IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY RUDE OF ME TO THROW IT AWAY  
CG: GIFTS FROM FRIENDS SHOULD BE TREASURED, YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE  
CG: IN FACT I THINK I’M GONNA GO FUCKING FRAME IT TO MY WALL RIGHT NOW  
CG: LATER DOUCHE  
CG: OH YEAH, AND FORGET WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EARLIER  
CG: IF SHE WANTS TO SHOW OFF HER ASS SHE HAS MY COMPLETE APPROVAL   
CT: D --> You are intentionally trying to angry up my b100d  
CT: D --> Aren’t you   
CG: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST FUCKING CLUE?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CT: D --> I think  
CT: D --> I need more towels


End file.
